Ulla Bulla.

To most people that means nothing. To me, it is the start of a ridiculous "lullaby" (and I use the word lullaby loosely because it was more of a silly non-sensical song used to put me, my sister, and cousins to sleep by my grandfather at his house in Delhi) Anyway I write this, as it is now going on week 2 of my grandfather passing and I still cant get over the grief. My maternal grandparents and I are very close. Relative to most people my age who, unfortunately, don't have many grandparents left, but also have the whole US to India time difference and distance to account for; we have a great relationship. We spoke/speak every Sunday about what transpired in our week and about how much we love and miss one another. It was/is truly special (luckily my grandmother hasn't stopped the calls, although as of late they have been more crying than talking) I think a lot of my sadness stems from the fact that I hadn't seen my grandfather the longest out of all the grandkids. Last I saw him was Nov 2010 for my cousins wedding in which I was the maid of honor, in town for only 6 days (also known as, the one who had no time to hang with family) I regret not going in Feb of this year with my mom because I was wrapped up in my new relationship and working towards a promotion at work that I figured "I can go to India whenever I want". Thankfully that's a very true statement I am blessed with, but what I didn't realize is that the people in India may not be there whenever I want. My Nanu was the epitome of business savvy, classy, funny, humble, loving, wordly, and wise. Words can't even express how much he impacted not only my life, but all of his grandkids' lives. Each and everyone of us adored our Satu. He wasn't just the patriarch of the family, but he was a friend to all of us. He always said that we were the ones that made him a GRANDparent and boy did his spoiling not let us forget how special and grand each of us were to him. What I wouldn't do to give him one last chummi or have him playfully "yell" at me for stealing his beard blow dryer.
Guru rakha. Satwant Singh 12-2-1929 to 5-16-12

A walk in those shoes

Many people have accused me of being fairly judgemental. Let me preface this by saying, I don't judge because I think I am better, if anything I judge people on how they act or what they do and then relate it to how I would do it similarly or different. I always try to envision myself in their shoes.
Well the old adage, that you won't understand till you actually walk in their shoes is 100% true. I could never understand how people would react in bad situations and how I always wanted them to be stronger or fight harder. Well, easier said than done sir. I am in a few pickles with my family, friends, and relationship and the world feels like its shattering. I don't have the energy to fight, as I have told so many others to do. I can feel the ground crumbling from underneath me. I know what you are thinking "my that's melodramatic" and yes I (the previous me) would have said the same thing. Actually, I would have said it harsher. In the words of my personal trainer, I would have said "build a bridge and get over it".
Now, I don't know if I am drowning because it is all at once and if I had say only one of these issues happening one at a time that I would be able to take on each one with the bravery I thought I had. However, whatever the reasoning may be, I am not doing such a great job of dealing. Picture this, profuse crying (the snot dripping, dry heaving kind) under the covers with a tub of ice cream that even women 8 months pregnant wouldn't touch.
With that said, in the grand scheme of things that's not terrible. A few nights sulking is warranted when you have too much on your plate. I am just waiting for my inner tigress to come out and to deal with all of these issues one at a time.
The good thing from all of this drama is that I have learned not to judge others for taking their "few days" to wallow and be upset. I can't always expect people to get up and fight at the brink of an issue. We are all humans, and we all deal with things differently and at different paces. I now understand that until I walk in someone else's shoes I can't and shouldn't really comment on how they are dealing with it. The best anyone can do is provide support, love, patience, and understanding in times of need. Not to say that by motivating them to get over it and start picking up the pieces isn't a form of support. Nonetheless, I think I have come to the realization that coddling the person back to sanity isn't necessarily the wrong route either-tough love may not always be the answer. So if there is any silver lining that is going to come from this dark cloud in my life is that I have become a better friend/confidant.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

I don’t know where the saying came from, but I think it’s based on the fact that when you haven’t been or aren’t physically close to someone the little annoyances that come with them being around are washed away with the “missing them” feeling. You tend to only remember the good and forget the bad because it’s usually small stuff anyway. To some extent I do understand that, in concept. However, lately I have been feeling that distance is just distance (emotionally and physically). With friendships and relationships alike, if you are distant from someone too often or for too long you tend to lose touch with their lives. When you are disconnected from what is happening with someone it’s hard to feel this love or closeness to them. It becomes awkward to start conversations, its superficial small talk, or just plain old misinterpretation of intent. All of these factors cause a wedge with someone emotionally, that you can only really repair with physical closeness. The only caveat to this is that if you have known someone for a very long time or have been close to someone for an extended period of time it seems that the distance (length of time or actual proximity) seems to affect the relationship less & less. The deeper the relationship with a friend, sibling, significant other, etc the more endurance it seems to have to distance. All I know is that since my relationship is new and many of my friendships are that I must need weekly encounters to please my heart because the distance has not made it grow fonder.